E. More Issues--Concerning Your Behavior Towards Me

When I was with you, I felt frequently assaulted by verbal attacks (i.e. snapping and yelling). The unpredictable nature of these attacks kept me continually "on edge." I felt hurt and rejected whenever you were silent and refused to talk to me. However, in addition to these two major scenarios, there were many other things that you said and did, that also caused me to feel diminished and controlled. I felt like I was constantly being nagged, as if I were a little child. I felt hurt when you frequently "teased" me, claiming to be "just giving me a hard time." I felt that my thoughts and opinions were devalued. Many times I felt as if I were being frankly ordered around (e.g., whenever you would impatiently tell me with a scowl on your face, to do this or do that). These things really bothered me and hurt me. Yet if I dared to speak up and say something, you would simply criticize me for being "too sensitive."

Nagging:

1. No food in the bedroom.
2. Don't leave stuff in view in the car.
3. Don't stomp up/down the stairs.
4. Don't leave your dirty dishes in the sink.
5. Turn off the light--don't waste electricity.
6. Don't waste water (when doing dishes)
7. You only need half a napkin--don't waste paper.
8. Bring your dish up to the main plate/bowl--don't make a mess.
9. Wrap your pad in the original wrapper--don't waste toilet paper.
10. Get that hair off the table--that's gross.
11. Tuck your label in--can't you even dress yourself?
12. Get all the hairs off the bed.
13. Close the shades--do you want everyone to see you?
14. Turn off the light--it's hot in here.
15. Use a towel or sponge to wipe around the sink--don't waste paper.
16. Change your windshield wipers--they're giving me a headache.
17. Always keep your gas tank at least half full in cold weather.
18. No walking around the house in socks (or bare feet).
19. Did you clean the tub? Good girl!
20. Don't touch the toothpaste tube with your brush.
21. Don't touch the sink there--that's gross, that's where people spit!
22. Always keep everything in the same place--that way you'll always know where it is.
23. Zip up your pockets.
24. Zip up your bag compartments--you don't want anything to fall out.
25. Are you sure the clamp on the tubing is closed?
26. Point the needle straight down.
27. No wrinkles when making the bed.
28. When are you going to vacuum?
29. Don't throw away that can/bottle--recycle it.
30. Finish it--don't waste food.
31. It’s a red light ahead, take your foot off the gas! Don’t waste gas!
32. Put down the toilet seat when you open that cabinet--do you want something to fall in?
33. You have to scrub really hard to get the dirt off your body.
34. Did you clean your ears? No?--That's gross!
35. Did you wash your hands?
36. Turn off the radio/heater/air conditioner before you turn off the engine.
37. Next time get one of those donut spares. (Was it necessary to say this 30 times?)
38. Dial the dimmer down before you turn it off.
39. Don’t touch the flip entrance to the trash can when you throw something out.
40. Don’t change that pad--you can still wear it, there’s hardly anything on it.
41. Nice turn signal (if I didn’t put it on), or So now you put on your turn signal (if I put it on too late according to you).
42. You should file your nails. Do you want me to file them for you?
43. Cut your toenails!
44. Only get unscented tissues and toilet paper.
45. Let the pedestrian go first!
46. Wave to the other driver if they let you in.
47. Turn down your radio--the whole neighborhood can hear it.
48. Fold the paper back up perfectly--I can’t stand it when it’s messed up.

Belittling me and devaluing my thoughts and opinions:

1. The Edward "you just don’t know about life" incident.

2. My saying that I liked most of Tom Cruise’s movies--I felt that you put down my opinion in front of Sherry--by the look on your face I could see that you thought it was preposterous for anyone to like those movies.

3. My liking "Jurassic Park"--you seemed to ridicule my opinion, as if it were just a fact that it wasn’t a good movie.

4. Your constantly criticizing my haircuts when I was going to Christopher, and repeatedly putting me down for liking perms.

5. I really enjoyed that shrimp parmigian I ate in the restaurant in New York. (My getting sick suddenly was a reaction to the red wine, I’m sure). You scowled and put down my opinion every single time I said I liked that dish. "You just don’t PUT seafood and cheese together!" I never said you had to eat it, I was simply stating that I liked it that one time-- yet you trashed my opinion as if it were stupid and absurd. I didn’t care much for broccoli with mayonnaise--yet did I scowl and say "that’s gross" everytime you ate it?? Did I say "You just don’t PUT broccoli and mayonnaise together!" and look at you everytime as if you were stupid to even consider it? It is rude to put down other people’s preferences.

Please note that I am not saying that I expected you to share all my likes and dislikes, or to agree with all of my opinions. After all, we are two different people, and it is things like this that make us unique. What I am saying, is that it is not right to treat another person’s opinion as if it were wrong or not valid. There is no such thing as a wrong opinion. Feelings and preferences are not debatable.

"Teasing" with an edge:

1. Constantly calling me a "klutz" anytime I dropped something or fumbled with something.

2. Teasing me about taking the last portion of food--I’d ask you if you wanted it, you’d say "No, you go ahead," then you’d give me that look as I ate it. I told you several times I didn’t appreciate this anymore and you would respond "I’m just giving you a hard time." Why did you persist on doing this after I told you it bothered me?

My world became narrow and limited. We could only do things together, with certain people, or by ourselves.

1. I felt like I couldn’t do things alone with my friends, or by myself. For instance, I knew that you weren’t really into going to concerts (and that’s perfectly okay). My going to concerts with my friends seemed to threaten you. You would sulk about being left out, about my doing something with other people without you. I had to either go just with you, or go alone. So I would invite you, but if you didn’t really want to go, I certainly didn’t want to drag you. I’ve gone to concerts by myself for years, ever since I was in high school, and I don’t mind at all. Of course I would want you to come, but only if you really wanted to! So I’d offer and also try to gently provide you with a way out. "You don’t have to go if you don’t want." Your response? Sulking, "You don’t want me to go with you?" After a while it just became easier to skip going to concerts, than to have to deal with this. I take responsibility for cheating myself out of a lot of concerts I wanted to go to.

2. In addition to not being able to do things with my friends, I became aware of our diminishing social circle (you and I) due to your multiple tiffs and dislikes of various people. Kelly Oyler, Amy Hiller, Angela, Kathy Emsley --one by one they were crossed off our list. I wouldn’t even want to suggest going to certain events because of your inevitable bitching about various people there.

3. You would sulk at just my mentioning of you doing something by yourself. For example, there were several card shows listed for an upcoming weekend that I was on call. I didn’t want to hold you back if you really wanted to go, so I politely said, "Honey, if you want to go, feel free to, I just can’t go this weekend." Your response? Again, to sulk "You don’t want me to go with you." Jesus Christ, that’s not what the fuck I meant!!

4. Once I was alone in Chinatown around lunchtime and was hungry, so I decided to have lunch by myself. You sulked later about my eating alone. Can’t I do anything without you?

5. Even after an episode in which you had yelled at me, I still couldn’t do something without you, without your sulking about it later. For example, the times I went swimming and in-line skating alone, after you had snapped at me. After being yelled at for something stupid, I was supposed to still want to be in your company and do things with you?

6. How many times did I encourage you," You should start lifting weights again," or "You should go to the gym" (after all, you had a locker there), or "You should ride your bicycle more often." I just wanted you to be able to continue enjoying the things you used to do before you met me, if you wanted to. However, I felt like I could not pursue my interests and activities, without getting a lot of grief from you..

Even more double binds:

1. Whenever I got back home to my apartment at the end of the day, I never knew when to call you. It seemed that sometimes when I called you right away, you’d be in the middle of dinner or doing chores, and would be short and rude. Sometimes I just didn’t feel like calling you right away, because I wanted to relax a bit first by myself (is this so terrible?) and/or I didn’t want to disturb you during your dinner/chores. But if I waited until later in the evening to call you, you would say in an accusatory manner, "You’ve been home for how long? And you didn’t call me??"

2. If I got out early from work and didn’t call to arrange to pick you up, you’d sulk later. Yet sometimes when I did pick you up, you’d be snapping at me, criticizing my driving, etc. all the way home. Having a bad day at work (your usual excuse) is not a good excuse for verbally abusing your partner.

3. In general, you were a master at double binds! If I didn’t help you with something, I was yelled at, yet if I did help you, I was criticized and yelled at for doing it "incorrectly"--e.g. making the bed, doing yardwork, shoveling snow, sticking Kitty. There was just no way I could win.

4. Whenever I would express a desire to go away on vacation with you (that is, fly somewhere), you would become depressed/angry about your financial situation. Just the mere mention of a trip would result in your angrily snapping, "I don’t have the money!!" You also made it clear that you didn’t want me to pay for you, as if I would be somehow insulting your pride if I did so. The upshot of this is that whenever I expressed the desire to to go somewhere with you, I would just end up being yelled at. Yet, when I decided to go to Florida with my sister, you also responded with rage. I suppose you would have been happiest if I never traveled again in my life, either with or without you.

5. This was perhaps the worst double bind of them all. When you were feeling depressed about something, e.g., your upcoming surgery or not being an immediate whiz at in-line skating, and I tried to comfort you, you pushed me away with anger and the seething silent treatment. However, if I just tried to leave you alone during these situations e.g., in that softball game when you kept striking out, I again got--surprise!!-- anger and the seething silent treatment!! Just what the fuck am I supposed to do??

Criticism disguised as help or advice:

1. Do your hair this way.
2. Do the dishes this way.

Using Sandy to "keep me in line":

You constantly complained angrily about Sandy, with the implication that if I ever even approached acting like her, I would really deserve to be yelled at. "You’re being just like Sandy!!" was a great weapon to effectively silence me whenever I brought up certain matters for discussion.

1. If I simply said something about wanting to live together, you would shoot out, "You think just like Sandy! You think people have to live together to have a relationship!"

2. You practically lived at Sandy’s (of your own free will, she did not force you), yet for the longest time you seemed incredibly reluctant to even spend one night at my place. How would you have felt in my shoes-- wouldn’t you have at least wondered why?? Yet when I brought this up, you became enraged that I was "being like Sandy" and attacked me for trying to force you to stay over. I understand that you had your reasons for being hesitant to stay over--for example, guilt over leaving your mother. For you to have brought this up honestly, would have been one thing. However, snapping at me and accusing me of "being like Sandy!!" was another.

3. Several times you shot back at me, "Those were the exact same things Sandy said!" Did it ever occur to you, that perhaps I was saying the same things Sandy did, because I may have been finding myself in the same situations that Sandy did (e.g., being constantly snapped at)?

Becoming angry when I tried to communicate:

Sometimes, my attempts to communicate honestly with you got me nowhere.

1. One night as we lay in bed, I tried to talk with you about a problem we were having. I said very expli- citly, "I’m not saying I want to break up with you." The next morning, at 5:31 AM, you stormed into the bathroom while I was still in there, snapped at me for being in there after 5:30, yelled at me for using the hot water, attacked me for being "cheap" (do you remember this at all??), told me to leave--in general, came at me with all guns blazing. I didn’t even know what the hell was going on! I took you literally--after all, you were basically screaming at me to leave, so I started moving all my stuff downstairs--then when I told you goodbye in the bathroom you pulled me to you, begging me, "Don’t leave!!" Later, you said that the reason for your attack, was that the night before, all you had heard was, "break up." Then, you blamed me for not having spoken loudly enough for you to hear me, even though at the time, you hadn’t said a thing! Did I deserve to be attacked like that??

2. One morning after we had had a fight the night before, I realized that I had been wrong, and wanted to apologize to you. I felt awkward and ashamed, and I said, "It’s hard for me to say I’m sorry." This was a brutally honest statement on my part. However, the reward for my honesty, was being snapped at, "How come it’s so hard for you to say you’re sorry!!?"

Contradicting yourself:

So many times, you angrily told me "You’re contradicting yourself!!" However, look at your own behavior!

1. "Don't touch the toothpaste tube with your toothbrush!" I saw you do the very same thing right in front of me.

2. About inserts and the jasper pyramid--"I don't want competition in our relationship!" Yet when I excitedly showed you my McGwire and Griffey inserts out of happiness, not competition, you sulked, "Now there's one more thing I have to be jealous of."

3. Your constantly referring to the messiness or at least untidiness of my apartment. But look at your own room!

Even more contradictions, double standards, and things that just don’t make sense:

1. You snapped, yelled, or spoke irritatedly at me constantly. If I complained, you would simply become nastier. Once at the Uniondale show, you snapped at me for looking through a bin of cards the wrong way (?). I asked you in a very even tone of voice, "What are you getting upset about? Why do you have to snap at me?" or something to that effect. I didn’t even raise my voice at all. For the rest of the show you sulked, gave me the silent treatment, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t look at me--in fact you simply walked away from me without responding when I tried to talk to you! Then as we were walking back to the car and I again asked you what was wrong, you said, "You yelled at me." You have carte blanche to snap and yell at me whenever you want, yet I can’t even speak up for myself in a normal tone of voice?? If this isn’t a double standard, I don’t know what is.

2. When I started to eat dinner over your place and stay over a lot, I would leave you alone to do your after-dinner chores--clean Kitty’s litter box, take out the trash, etc. This seemed to suit you, and I could stay out of your way. After two or three months of never going downstairs with you even once, one day I did, just because I wanted to be with you. You angrily snapped, "Why do you always have to follow me down here??!!"

3. It seemed to be really, really important to you to pay for yourself and not "mooch" off me. You expounded to me at length about this. It was almost as if a certain amount of your pride rested on this. One night we went to the club and I didn’t pay the cover charge for you. About fifteen minutes later, you angrily said, "Why didn’t you pay for me to get in?" There was just no fucking way for me to ever please you.

Unwarranted jealousy:

1. Your saying things like, "So who else has been sitting here?!" when you saw my passenger seat positioned differently.

2. Your making jealous comments about my potentially "picking up other women" when I was in DC visiting Mandy, when I had absolutely no intention of doing so.

3. What on earth were you so jealous of when I was talking with Rachel that one time during the blizzard? Did you think I was after her??

I am an absolutely monogamous person, and for you not to trust me shows that you do not know me. I always trusted you in this regard. I would like to point out, that even though you and Ned had a history of "fooling around," I was not in the least bit jealous those times you went to Pittsburgh with him!

Ordering and control of a sexual nature:

1. That night I was on call at the VA (January 1995), and you demanded that I describe to you that very second, how I had "taken care of myself." When I was embarassed and didn’t respond immediately, you threw a sulking temper tantrum and hung up on me!

2. That night you came over to my house and wanted me to show you my vulva since you had just seen the gynecologist and you wanted to compare yours with mine. I just didn’t feel like it (I don’t like being ordered to do stuff like this) so you left in an angry silent huff and refused to talk or even look at me.

3. The Friday-night-before-the-blizzard episode. I didn’t do something complying with your sexual desires, so I was punished. To this day I still can’t understand why you reacted the way you did, after we had just fucked for three hours. The silent rage of your response was completely unreasonable.

4. When we were waiting for Ellen in her hospital room, you asked me, "How come you never do that to me ?" regarding looking at each others’ crotches with lust. For one thing, that’s just not my style, and second of all, that wasn’t exactly the most appropriate time to bring it up, with your mother in the same room. I was uncomfortable and didn’t say anything, so you responded by very deliberately sulking for the next ten minutes and refusing to interact with me!

5. As recently as the very last night you ever stayed at my apartment--the Sunday morning after we got back from LA--you practically ordered me to demonstrate [censored]. When I didn’t comply immediately you angrily shot out, "How come you’re so shy all of a sudden!!?"

F. More Issues--Concerning Your Behavior Toward Others.

It was not simply that I felt abused and controlled by you directly. What added to this environment, was that I continually saw your hostility also aimed at others. I saw this with your family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and strangers. This made me feel uneasy, as most of the time I felt that they didn’t deserve it. Yet if said anything, it seemed that you would become indignant that I had even dared to question you. In these situations you would simply redirect your anger toward me. These examples are drawn from throughout our relationship.

Hostility toward family:

1. Yelling at your mother for cooking the vegetables a minute too long, bringing out the wrong silverware, etc.

2. Yelling at your mother in front of your nieces--I was appalled (then later, you angrily criticized her "sulking.")

3. Yelling at your mother over the gutter thing (front of house)

4. Yelling at your mother over the violin being out of tune. This episode was extremely upsetting to me. In a matter of seconds, you were yelling at the top of your lungs, point blank to your mother’s face. And one thing you yelled, was "I’M NOT YELLING!!!" (?!?) If I remember correctly you also called her a bitch. I was frightened by the sudden and overwhelming rage you expressed over something trivial. And when I stood there stunned and starting to whimper, you directed your rage at me: "What are YOU crying about!!"

5. Yelling at your mother regarding the junkers parked out front (later, you casually told me that when you live so closely with someone, interactions like this are only naturally bound to happen!)

6. Yelling at your mother when she was reluctant to go into the hospital. (Wouldn't it have been better to say "Gee mom, I'm worried about you being sick, perhaps you should listen to Dr. Ford's advice"?)

7. Endlessly criticizing Ellen (to me) about her being in a relationship with Frank.

8. Being very critical of Garry.

9. Yelling at your mother for saying "Hello?...Hello?..." and not hanging up immediately when there was silence on the other end of the phone. You would snap angrily, "You’re just victimizing yourself!!" Why do you become so angry about what other people do, when it does not even affect you at all?

Multiple interpersonal difficulties/conflicts with friends/coworkers/acquaintances:

1. Angela
2. Marilyn (and Ann's other friend)
3. Kelly Oyler
4. Ann--when you punished her with the silent treatment when she took drugs in front of you.
5. Kathy Emsley
6. Yelling at your grad students
7. Jill
8. Many conflicts with professors and other staff

What was even more disturbing was that you seemed to wear your hostility towards these people like a badge, as something to be proud of! So many times, you told me proudly how you had yelled at this person or that person, as if to say, "See? I know how to stand up for myself!!" It seemed like you wanted or expected me to pat you on the back everytime you said you had yelled at someone, for me to give you my approval for your being a strong person. And I had no choice but to go along, because I would only be yelled at myself if I didn’t.

Hostility toward strangers:

1. Every other driver on the road is an asshole until proven otherwise--e.g., if someone is blocking a lane of traffic, even if it turns out their car was stalled. Everyone who tailgates or doubleparks, has you angrily muttering "Asshole!!!"

2. Children. "I hate kids!!" whenever you see one not being perfectly still and quiet.

3. Police. Just about every single time you see one (and this approaches 100% of the time when you see a police car parked on the side of the road), you have to mutter,"Assholes! I hate police!!" (And the one time I pointed out that the world would probably be a lot less safe without them, you became angry and verbally abusive toward me!)

4. At the LA airport, upon seeing the family with the man reading the paper while the mom looked after the kids, "It just figures!!!" (What on earth bearing did this have on you?!)

5. Upstairs at that restaurant when the kid next to us dropped his napkin in the aisle and didn’t pick it up until five minutes later--you muttering angrily about what a little jerk/brat he was.

6. At EMS: "Mind your own business!!!"

7. "I hate it when people wear dirty clothes/pants!!" (What the hell difference should it make to you, what other total strangers wear?)

8. Yelling out the window downtown to a man on a bicycle,"Where’s your helmet, asshole?!" however I was not allowed to say anything out of the window--for example, when the guy in the truck was motioning to us going down the hill and I started politely responding to him, I got yelled at. (For your own sake, I have to tell you that it’s just not a good idea to yell at strangers. You never know when some maniac with a gun is just going to shoot you. For example,"highway shootings" between irate drivers who yelled at each other do occur.)

9. Yelling at the student leaving the lecture hall early, threatening to report him. What bearing did this have on you at all? How do you think people see you when you do things like this?

Why on earth are you so hostile towards people you don’t even know??

Sometimes, I was frankly embarassed by your behavior. However, I could not say a single word, or the full brunt of your rage would come crashing down on me.

1. Angela--I was totally embarassed by your behavior toward her--see below.

2. Remember when we were at Houlihan’s with Linda Tolson and some other members of the women's professional group? I cringed when you began openly criticizing Kelly Oyler and Amy Hiller for "how badly they had treated you." At least one other person at that table was an active member of the lawyer's group. How did you think it appeared, when one of the co-presidents of the women's professional group, you, began dissing other members of your own group? Several times during our relationship, you expounded on what it meant to "act with class" or to "not act with class." In my opinion, this incident at Houlihan’s definitely lacked class and I was embarassed to be associated with you.

3. The temper tantrum you threw at the dealer in Toronto (about conversions and exchange rates) had me wishing I could disappear. I had never seen someone be so unreasonable and hostile toward a total stranger. Of course it turned out that he was right. What made it worse, was that when you realized this, you did not even have the decency to go back to apologize to him. I never would have yelled at him in the first place (I always give people the benefit of the doubt), but even if I had, if I realized that I had been the one who was wrong, I certainly would have apologized.

4. At EMS, when you angrily snapped at the guy to "mind his own business," you’re damn right I was embarassed to be with you! Why are you so defensive and hostile toward total strangers?

More hostility in general:

1. The Morristown Mills Mall has "no class" (you said it about 10 times). I guess shopping at Sax and Banana Republic makes you a "classier" person??

2. People who eat/drink diet foods/sodas.

3. Every single baseball player on TV.

4. Every single time we drove through Drummond County, you had to express your utter scorn for the place and the people who lived there. I suppose they, too, have no "class"?

5. You ridiculed Kerry and Cal’s decision to have a child, every single time the subject came up. Why are you so hostile regarding other people’s very personal decisions which have absolutely no bearing on you??

There were many other things about you that I gradually became aware of, again supported by examples.

I saw a consistent pattern in your apparent refusal to take responsibility for your own actions. Over and over again, you blamed others for everything.

1. The whole Angela situation. Whether or not it was polite to go rapping on their window unexpectedly at 10 pm, or whether or not it was impolite for Angela not to invite us in or Michelle not to come out, is debatable. However, what definitely was rude was your treatment of Angela the next time we saw her at the movies--your very deliberately snubbing her, looking away in a huff when she said hello to you and your not saying a word to her (this completely embarassed me), and continuing to ignore her for months. Then when she understandably got upset or exasperated or whatever and did not invite you to her party, you angrily criticized herfor being rude!

2. Sandy. You constantly expressed your anger to me about her "dumping" you eleven times. However, I have to wonder, how did you treat her? What did you do to make her so angry and frustrated that she didn't want to be with you anymore? I am sure you were not just sitting there being nice. Furthermore, you very angrily verbalized to me on a number of occasions, how much money she "put you out of." In fact, this anger was sometimes inappropriately directed at me, even though I had nothing to do with it! Yet I ask you, did Sandy put a gun to your head and make you spend money? Did she steal it from you in large quantities as Katrina did with Mandy? No. You yourself went to the MAC machine, withdrew the money, put it in your pocket, and spent hundreds on parking, all of your own free will. Mandy is now lamenting the fact that after Donna has broken up with her for the fifth time, Mandy is stuck with $1000 in phone bills to New Orleans. But is she angrily blaming Donna for these bills? No, she accepts the responsibility that she willfully made those calls and only has herself to blame.

3. Ellen. You have never taken any responsibility for hitting her. Yet you angrily refer to the restraining order she had placed against you. What is even more astounding, is that you once told me you considered her stroke to be God's punishment for her criticizing you!

4. The multiple interpersonal difficulties I listed earlier. The way you put it, each of these people treated you poorly or otherwise deserved for you to snap at them or snub them. For a moment, contrast your situation with myself. In the last two years, how many run-ins have I hadthat caused an ongoing or significant temporary break? I can only think of two--Halpern and John Merkell. Even if I have momentary run-ins with people, I still maintain good relationships with them. I don’t burn my bridges. Now, are all those people I listed above in a conspiracy against you, each of them "not treating you well" independently? Or have you ever considered that perhaps they are all responding, to some consistent signals you are putting out?

You seemed to have an inability to see shades of grey. It appeared to me that you saw other people in terms of black or white only.

1. Your gynecologist Judy Patterson--at first she was wonderful, very nice, caring, waited to come see you after your surgery, etc. Then suddenly she was evil, discriminated against you because you were a lesbian, had the gall to refer you to an infectious disease doctor, you never wanted to see her again, etc.

2. Karen--simply because she was on the phone that day during our professional group's meeting (and believe me, I don't think anyone else holds a grudge to this day about not her not ordering the pizza immediately), for years afterwards you have angrily referred to her as being rude and a terrible person, with bad teeth to boot. You don't think she has any redeeming qualities at all??

You seemed to exhibit a marked paranoia about a lot of things. Your main theme seemed to be "No one can be trusted until proven otherwise." This pertained to people in general: For example, all of a sudden you felt that the owner of that sports equipment store didn’t like us or looked down on us. What on earth did they do to make you think this? I think it was your paranoia that made you perceive that they had looked at us funny once. But if I had ever questioned you on this, no doubt I would have gotten the "Chris, you just don’t know about life!!" lecture, i.e. I’m so stupid for not realizing that of course they don’t like us. This paranoia also pertained to things in everyday life: For example: Don't leave anything in the car, even a single cassette tape, someone will break in; rip up all your mail before putting it in the trash, someone is bound to get your address and commit some kind of fraud with it; don't leave mail in the box overnight, someone is bound to steal it, etc. etc. Furthermore, if I dared to disagree with you, you would either snap at me, or look at me as if I were stupid and God, didn’t I know any better?! The global picture you carried seemed to be, "Everyone is out to get me."

G. How I Felt, Continued

Your unpredictable snapping, attack-withdraw behavior, and general hostility took a huge toll on me. I lived in constant fear of you attacking me, either for something I said or did, or just out of the blue for no reason at all. Your incessant nagging made me feel that no matter what I did, I was doing it wrong in your eyes. Your ridicule of my personal beliefs, opinions, and tastes hurt me and, in a sense, silenced me. All of these things as a whole, affected nearly every single area of my life. And I could not even address anything at all with you, because when I did, you would escalate the same behavior, criticize me for even bringing it up ("God Chris, you’re too sensitive!"), or furiously push me away! Here are just some random examples pertaining to everyday life, and how your behavior regarding these things affected me. I would like to note, that all of these things hung over me, right to the very end of our relationship.

Driving--There was no way I could relax, with you sitting next to me. I had to do everything perfectly. And things I had done for years with no ill effects, such as leaving the radio on when I shut off the engine, and using windshield wipers that I could see perfectly well with, became subjects of nagging and criticism. Even the routes that we took became reasons for you to turn hostile--for example, you would always become upset whenever we ran into heavy traffic on the expressway. Now, my parents have used that route almost exclusively for 25 years, and I have been taking it for all my driving life. The traffic simply does not bother me--I only get upset if it’s delaying me for something really important. However, you would always get into a foul mood if it got slow, and blame me if it were my suggestion for going that way! And God forbid if we got stuck and didn’t move at all--you would begin fuming. Geez, it’s only a traffic jam!! Big deal! But I was constantly afraid of your getting into a bad mood over the traffic. Did you notice, how I always deferred to you, about which route to take? This was because if we took the expressway as I wanted, and we ran into traffic, you would get into a foul mood, and it just wasn’t worth it.

Another thing about driving--When we got lost in an unfamiliar place (Toronto really sticks out in my mind), you would began snapping at me as if I were a complete idiot with no sense of direction. However, for years before I met you, I had successfully driven around by myself in literally dozens of places--Chicago (in 1986 when I interviewed for med school), San Francisco (again, ten years ago), Vancouver, Portland, Seattle, Baton Rouge, Pensacola, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Cleveland, Los Angeles, Dayton, Champaign, and even Kalamazoo, MI, just to name a few. How do you think it made me feel, to be yelled at while driving around as if I didn’t know what I was doing, when I had done it a million times before??

Eating--Whenever I ate with you, whether at your place, my place, or a restaurant, I felt like I had to be extremely careful not to drop anything, or to take anything more than fifty percent or whatever of a dish unless okayed by you first. Otherwise, you were sure to make a comment, snap at me, or make me feel like I was being "messy" or "selfish." Even while I was eating, I felt like everything I was doing was being judged. I just could not relax at a table with you.

Washing dishes--I had to do it exactly right (according to you--I personally don’t feel that there is an "exactly right" method of doing dishes, as long as they get clean), or you would make a comment. At your place, I always felt I had to wash every single dish in the sink, or face being snapped at for "leaving it for someone else."

Selecting my own groceries--I simply do not see what is wrong with consuming diet foods or drinks. If I can’t really notice a huge difference, and it has less calories or fat, why not? But you constantly criticized people who consumed these, frequently mentioning Sandy as a prime culprit. I became afraid to have anything "diet" in my refrigerator or cupboard. In fact, I became afraid to purchase a lot of food items, for example frozen dinners, because of your attitudes about them. You would have voiced utter disdain had you seen a "Lean Cuisine" in my freezer. Yet, for years before I met you, I ate these things, and did I develop any nutritional deficiences? Did I become underweight or overweight? I was perfectly fine! However, you seemed to needlessly ridicule people who ate certain things. It was just easier for me to purchase things you would "approve" of, then to get things I really wanted, in order not to have to deal with your disdain.

Sticking Kitty--[Terry had a cat who was ill and required fluids several times a week.]  This deserves special mention. This was always was a time of great anxiety for me. Especially during the first few months, but even continuing until much later, you would snap at me if I got a leak, or if there was any fluid tinged with blood. You would yell at me to get a paper towel to wipe it up immediately. And I was such an idiot, to cower to you in these instances! Consider this--putting up IV bags and running in fluids are a part of my everyday job. During a typical heart case, I may hang and give up to twenty bags of IV fluids. Everybody, including the most fastidious people who have been doing anesthesia for twenty years, spills stuff and has leaks. It’s not something to get upset about. I’m good at what I do. Yet, you would yell at me for even a few drops on the table! I felt like I couldn’t do anything right around you. Furthermore, you would constantly nag me (in a scowling tone of voice) to point the needle straight down. You would constantly nag me to make sure the clamp on the tubing was closed. How would you feel, if everytime you used, say a saw or a power tool, something which you had used many times before, I stood there telling you to do this or do that, and snapped at you as if you were such an idiot that you didn’t know what you were doing? I feel that this entire thing, giving Kitty fluids, was a convenient forum for your hostile attempts to dominate and control me. Today, I cannot believe I put up with this. However, I know why I did--because if I had said anything, you would have gotten even nastier toward me, and I was just trying to protect myself.

Making the bed--Even something as trivial as this became a whole source if anxiety for me. Initially when I would try to help you make the bed, you would snap at me for pulling the sheets up too much, leaving a wrinkle, etc. So then I thought that you would be happier just doing it yourself, so I backed off for a while, only to be then yelled at for not helping you! So the only thing I could do, was to make the bed as perfectly to your specifications as I could, and hope that you would not yell at me. This filled me with a certain level of anxiety, every single time I made your bed. Even when we were getting along wonderfully, I still couldn’t let down my guard. Today I would like to know, what was so fucking important about the way your bed was made, that merited your yelling at me over it?? I feel that this was yet another opportunity for a power trip on your part. Today it is absolutely clear, that I was an idiot for putting up with this. Back then, I think I subconsciously realized this, yet I continued to tolerate it anyway---with the end result being a chipping away of my own self-esteem.

Other everyday things--Besides not making your bed perfectly, I was also constantly afraid of committing some other capital offense such as leaving "muck" on the dishes, misplacing something of yours or mine, accidentally stepping into your pile of dust while you were sweeping, putting the wrong thing out on the table (paper towel vs. napkin), etc., etc. I felt constantly under the threat of being yelled at over these things, yet at the same time I just could not see why you attached such importance to them. For example, you continually nagged me to put the toilet cover down before I opened the linen cabinet. I know for certain, if I had ever failed to do this and a towel fell in the toilet, I would have really been screamed at. ("You’re so stupid!! You never listen to me!!") I would have never heard the end of it. However, my attitude at home is, if a towel were to fall into the toilet (and after years of my not lowering the toilet cover, one never has), then either I throw it in the wash with some bleach, or if it is really gross, simply throw it away. What is the big fucking deal??? Life is just too short, to get bent out of shape over things like this. No wonder you have an ulcer.

My love of the Stones--I got the feeling that you thought the whole thing was ridiculous (similar to Sandy liking Jimmy Buffet). You were absolutely uninterested in any of my recollections or photos--they barely even merited a lukewarm response. Did you ever wonder why I never really ever played any Stones for you at all? Because there was the very real possibility of you criticizing me for liking it--if not at the time, then at some other point when you were mad at me over something else--and I say "very real" since nothing was immune to your criticism! I knew that such criticism would hurt me to the core, simply because this is something so sacred to me--which is why I never even let you near it.

Speaking of your disinterest in my Stones experiences--I felt that you had a similar attitude regarding all my good life experiences. For example, if I happened to reminisce in general about good experiences in high school or college, you would simply became quiet, sadly saying things like, "I hated high school" or "I didn’t have a good time in college." I am truly sorry that they were not happy times for you, and I am not criticizing you for merely having bad memories. Furthermore, I am not saying I wanted you to jump for joy at the mention of my past good experiences. What I am saying, is that you seemed not to value or acknowledge them for what they were--positive pieces of my past, shared spontaneously--instead you just saw them as reminders of your own lack of similar good memories, and responded accordingly. In fact, my mention of these things sometimes seemed to invoke a mixture of jealousy, depression, and bitterness on your part. You just didn’t seem to want to hear about it. This is a subtle point, but it led to my being hesitant to mention positive things from my past, because of the neutral "Gee that’s nice" (at best), or depressed or silent (at worst) response from you. Why should I share a good memory with someone, who responds as if they’d rather I hadn’t brought it up at all?

There were a number of other things that I just couldn’t mention in general conversation. As a small example, suppose I had had a two-minute conversation with Karen at work. If I even mentioned this to you, you would start putting her down and expressing disdain. I would wonder why you felt you had to do this, yet if I even questioned you at all, boy would I get yelled at!

Your constant expressions of hostility toward others, made me feel totally stuck and helpless. It simply was not pleasant to be around you when you were angrily complaining about this person or that person, whether it was someone you knew or a total stranger. I would be left wondering, "Why is she so hostile??" yet I wouldn’t be able to say a word. This was even worse in situations when you were complaining about what someone else said or did, but I could see that the other person had been merely responding to your initial hostile attitude! And as I mentioned before, you seemed to brag about yelling at people, and seemed to expect my approval. I had no choice but to go along and agree with you, because if I said even a word, you would direct your rage at me, for taking the other person’s side!

The times I did engage in arguments with you, I felt that you saw me only as an opponent to be vanquished at all costs. I understand that in every relationship there will always be conflicts. [Another Susan Forward quote here:] These can be negotiated with caring and respect. However, in our relationship, negotiation and compromise were in short supply. It was a grim battlefield where you HAD to win and I HAD to lose. What springs to me mind right now, are the many confrontations we had in your bathroom. You would storm off to the bathroom and begin plucking your eyebrows, refusing to talk to me. When I tried to say anything you would use every trick in the book--ignoring, countering, blocking, diverting, blameshifting, accusing, and criticizing. Your primary concern seemed not to be to resolve the conflict, but to win the argument by any means possible. And you were really good at these things, which is why, most of the time, it was fruitless to even try to argue with you.

To add to my frustration, I gradually became aware of what seemed to be a huge discrepancy in what we wanted out of our relationship. I had no problem with dating for a certain period of time. But after a while, I wanted us to become more intimate in the routines of everyday life. I was genuinely in love with you and I wanted us to become closer. I wanted you to stay over my place--was that such a crime? But I encountered enormous resistance to this idea. Simply put, it really hurt me that you never wanted to stay over. And I couldn’t figure out why you didn’t want to, and whenever I tried to address it with you, you would become angry and defensive.

I began to see that if it weren’t for my efforts, staying over your place all the time, our relationship as it was wouldn’t even exist. Because you never would’ve stayed over my place, and how much growth together can a couple accomplish when they are separated every night? I began to suspect that you were content to merely have me over a few nights a week, comfortable in never having to reciprocate. I began to feel that all the responsibility of the logistics of our relationship, rested on my shoulders. If I didn’t stay over, we would simply see less of each other, and you wouldn’t really care. It bothered me more and more, that it was all so easy for you--you didn’t have to lift a finger, to alter your normal routine--you could just have me over all the time (or a lot of the time), like a live-in lover. You didn’t have to give up your normal surroundings, you didn’t have to live out of a suitcase, you could continue being fed and sheltered by your mother. In a way you could have it all. I began to suspect that you would have been content to do this forever. And I saw that with this mindset, you would never be able to graduate to the idea of us eventually living together. The realization of this saddened me and frustrated me. Yet, as I said, anytime I tried to address this with you, all I encountered was resistance and anger.

Not only did I feel like I had to stay over in order to maintain the relationship, but when I was there I was, by default, a third party to the normal couple of the household--you and your mother. Now I do care for your mother very much--she is a very nice person and was always very kind to me. But was it so horrible, to just not want to be part of a triangle all the time?? After all, I thought we were two adults. I just wanted to have a normal mature adult relationship, which should not involve being in a forced triangle with a parent! If you don’t agree with me then we obviously have very different ideas about what a normal mature adult relationship entails.

I became more and more aware of this discrepancy in our ambitions and dreams. With a partner, I had hoped to eventually share a household together. However, it seemed that your idea of a relationship was just to have someone available to do things with and have over several nights a week, while maintaining your primary relationship with your mother. It filled me with more and more frustration, to realize that our desires for the future, were lightyears apart.

So perhaps you are wondering why, if I claim it was so bad, did I stay with you?? Because at the same time, I had so many loving feelings toward you, and we did have many good times together! There was absolutely no question that you had many positive and endearing attributes, and that I was in love with you!

All the negative feelings I had about our relationship just not being right, were mixed in with all these positive feelings. I relished the good times, but the bad times always returned. It was upsetting and extremely confusing. Everytime you hurt me, I was again thrown into this state of confusion. I had no previous experience to compare it to--I kept asking myself, "Is this the way love is supposed to be? Is this normal??" I hung in there and just tried to do the best I could. I loved you and hoped that things would get better. However, if anything, they only got worse.

Another thing which made it even more confusing, was that I thought we had a decent sexual relationship. I asked myself, "If things are good between us sexually, how can anything really be wrong?" In hindsight, I now see that the sex we had, served as a powerful "hook" for me. For a long time, it lulled me into a false view of the relationship as loving even when other factors were warning me it was not. Later, despite being treated poorly outside the bedroom, I clung to our sexual relationship as a sign that we really did love each other and that we truly belonged together. I hung on to this, right up until the very end.

More reasons to yell at Chris--summer 1996:

56. Chris wanting Terry to come when Chris's relatives visited.
57. Chris showing the slightest hint of enthusiasm for her upcoming trip to Disney World with her sister.
58. Chris sitting down on toilet seat to brush her teeth in the morning so she could be closer to eye level with her lover.
59. Terry not being able to fix vacuum cleaner properly.
60. Chris accidentally dropping her purse and leaving it in Terry's bedroom.
61. Terry having just banged her knee.
62. Chris trying to go across the top and around the other side of the Sheraton parking garage instead of down through the blocked entrance.
63. Chris not having a towel or sponge available for Terry to wipe up her water spill around the sink.
64. Chris placing a can in the regular trash when a recycling bin was nearby (Chris didn't see it).
65. Chris suggesting a seat at the movies which was only one row away from where they ultimately sat.
66. Chris offering to reserve tickets to a blockbuster, selling-theaters-out-all-over-the-country movie on Chris's credit card, in order to avoid going all the way up to the Springville Mall and having the thing be potentially sold out.
67. Chris potentially getting less than nine balls (worst possible loss=25cents) at Dave and Buster's.
68. Chris not putting Terry’s book back on her bookshelf immediately.
69. Terry being concerned about the kids in the Chinatown alley placing a bag in the middle of the road.
70. Chris suggesting that perhaps the EMS at Springville would have the shoes Terry was looking for.
71. After they saw Fargo, Terry obsessing about the wood chipper scene and talking about it for twenty minutes straight, then promptly yelling at Chris for even mentioning it once.
72. Chris revealing that she'd rather keep Chris and Terry's "pet names" a special secret between them.
73. Chris accidentally hitting Terry's foot when Terry "wasn't feeling well" and didn't know where or if she wanted to go out to dinner.